The Ballad of Sailor Bill: A Timeline of the Tortoise in the White House

[King of the Uzbeks]

From the White House Website Section on the Easter Egg Roll

“During the late 1920s and early 1930s, First Lady Lou Hoover made several additions to the Easter Egg roll. Most, such as the Maypole and traditional Scandinavian dancing, would not last long. However, she was also the first to bring Sailor Bill to the forefront of the tradition. Bill was brought out for the event and allowed to wander the crowd, delighting those present.

Subsequent Presidents expanded on the role Sailor Bill played in the Easter Egg Roll. Animals had been present at the event before, including Benjamin Harrison’s pony, and other White House pets have been brought out on the lawn. But none have quite become synonymous with the event as Sailor Bill has.

Over the years his exact role has changed. Initially, Sailor Bill simply wandered the crowd. After an unfortunate 1963 incident involving an egg, scarf, balloon, and the daughter of a DC fireman, Sailor Bill was accompanied by a White House aide. Bill still is given the time to peruse the crowd if he so chooses, but has since acquired other duties.

Sailor Bill is the official judge of all egg races. Although the races are officially non-competitive, any disputes are directed to Sailor Bill, who resolves them via an official interpreter.

Members of the public are also allowed to visit the Tortoise White House while at the White House, and Sailor Bill spends some of the day there. Normally visitors only get a brief tour stop there, and have no guarantee Sailor Bill will be there.

Bill has been offered eggs many times but has never been particularly interested in them. Balloons are not allowed in his presence after the 1963 incident. However, Bill often kicks off festivities by eating some lettuce on a string and opening the lawn to eager children.

Bill has, on occasion, been given fuzzy bunny ears to wear, although his lack of interest has made the practice die off. Far more common is his appearance with the White House Easter Bunny, a photo opportunity few families want to miss.

Sailor Bill’s association with the Easter Egg Roll is so strong that he is on official memorabilia for the event. The wooden eggs given out to attendees as they depart have the White House and signatures from the President and First Lady on one side, and an image of Sailor Bill on the other, along with the year.

Of course, the Easter Egg Roll is not the only event in which Sailor Bill takes part. Christmas Tree Lighting, Birthday Parties, and other social events are often graced, however briefly by Sailor Bill. As inauguration festivities tend to be outdoors, cold, and at the Capitol building, Sailor Bill tends not to participate directly. However first meeting Sailor Bill has become something of an Inauguration for First Ladies when they move into the White House.

And of course, tourists always have a chance to spy Sailor Bill should they visit the White House.”

 

[Queelez]

This is a deeply charming TL. Watched.

 

[dianaswordofsappho]

This is my favorite thing ever

 

[Nivek]

This is amazing really loved that Sailor Bill was at the commissioning of of the USS CT.

INB4 the add a turtle to ITTL kancolle or azur lane CT https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/124895

 

[Rinasoir]

Such a deeply charming storyline, one could almost be forgiven for wishing it was real

 

[King of the Uzbeks]

More than any other President Franklin Roosevelt made the modern image of Sailor Bill. Perhaps recognizing the continuity the tortoise provided with his famous cousin, and with past occupants of the White House, perhaps simply seeing the potential that such a long-lasting creature could have in messaging.

In his famous press conferences, Roosevelt often peppered his responses with references to Sailor Bill, sometimes even having him brought in to meet the reporters the President was charming

“I am confident that we shall get the economy up and running! The growth we’ve seen is too slow even for Bill here.” Went one quote, Roosevelt grinning from ear to ear.

At another press conference when asked whether or not the National Recovery Administration made a monopoly, Roosevelt deflected.

“Of course not! Sailor Bill here can tell you what we Roosevelts do to Trusts!” He said with a laugh.

A reporter played along.

“Do you often ask Bill what Teddy would have done?”

Roosevelt laughed and nodded.

“Naturally, Bill is a fountain of advice. The wisdom of the ages is within him. Along with some of my roses.”

Sailor Bill also got along famously with Roosevelt’s most famous personal pet, Fala. Fala was known to follow Sailor Bill around as the tortoise wandered the White House. This greatly amused the President, and he was always eager to tell guests about it.

The President, in addition to his avid stamp collecting, had made a hobby of drink mixing. Even the most sycophantic New Dealers admitted his skill in this department was much lower than in politics or stamp collecting. Nonetheless, he invented a “Sailor Bill” Cocktail. It was a firmly mediocre drink at best but nonetheless got attention in some social circles. The recipe was rediscovered by researchers at Hyde Park in 1979 and has occasionally been an option, if not a particularly popular one, at White House events ever since.

All of this had the impact of increasing the public’s awareness of Sailor Bill, a process that only accelerated with the coming of war, and Sailor Bill’s growth into a propaganda symbol.

The story about Sailor Bill attempting to eat Winston Churchill’s toes when the later visited Washington is actually apocryphal, although the pair were introduced.

“I know you’ve worked quite hard to keep the Ravens at the tower, well Sailor Bill here hasn’t been in the White House quite so long, but I dare say it hasn’t fallen since he was here,” Roosevelt said. Churchill gave a polite laugh.

Sailor Bill was often paired with entertainers as he toured the country with the goal of selling War Bonds and promoting patriotic unity. It was these sorts of events that elevated Bill to new heights of status and recognition.

The somewhat absurd fact of his existence made him a natural subject of cartoons. Sailor Bill’s anthropomorphized appearances by Mickey and Bugs, Donald and Daffy, and so on helped ensure that a generation of children growing up under the shadow of war knew and loved Sailor Bill.

Roosevelt served prior to the understanding that Sailor Bill was not to be used while campaigning, although he did not make any particularly extensive use of the tortoise in general. The sole major exception to this rule came, allegedly, at least in part from the mind of Orson Welles.

“These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or on my sons. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Fala. Well, of course, I don't resent attacks, and my family don't resent attacks, but Fala does resent them. You know, Fala is Scotch, and being a Scottie, as soon as he learned that the Republican fiction writers in Congress and out had concocted a story that I'd left him behind on an Aleutian island and had sent a destroyer back to find him – at a cost to the taxpayers of two or three, or eight or twenty million dollars – his Scotch soul was furious. He has not been the same dog since. I dare say he would have done something drastic, had it not been for the calming influence of Sailor Bill. Bill is a tortoise you see, and so is of a much more even temperament. Sailor Bill has also been in Washington far, far longer than Fala, and so was able to assure him that the American people would never fall for such brazen slander. And so Fala has remained quiet on the issue. But he is still quite angry. I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself ... But I think I have a right to resent, to object, to libelous statements about my dog.”

Sailor Bill was not present for the speech, but afterward, Roosevelt was careful to allow reporters to photograph him with Fala, just to twist the knife a bit further. The pair would meet one last time after Roosevelt’s death before Fala departed the White House for good.

Sailor Bill would remain however. Even as the President himself wound up fleeing the building.

He had entered the Roosevelt Administration a fun trivia figure, but let it a National Icon

 

[Stretch]

God, I legit hope this TL wins in the next Turtledoves.

 

[Rinasoir]

God, I legit hope this TL wins in the next Turtledoves.

Everyone here next year:

 

[SilentSpaniard]

Everyone here next year:

At the very least, a nomination for Best Character! Will we remember?

 

[King of the Uzbeks]

“Now you see, this is the damn problem. It’s been going on for months!” Snapped the President, as he watched members of the White House staff carefully surrounding Sailor Bill. He glanced around suddenly, glaring as if they were all spies. “If any of you say a word to anyone in the press you’ll be out on the streets and will never find a job in this town again.”

Several of the staff flinched.

“I don’t need word leaking about this! Can you imagine the headlines? The crumbling White House and the falling Sailor Bill? Those jackals would eat it up!” Truman snapped.

He looked down at the hole in the floor. He could only see Sailor Bill's rear. The rest of him had broken the floor and fallen face-first through it. His head was sticking out of the ceiling in the Family Dining Room, which had seriously startled staff when they first saw him. Thankfully he seemed to be taking it fairly well. His legs were flailing but he otherwise seemed fine. Which, Truman had to admit, was better than what he would have done if his bathtub had fallen through the ceiling.

“Although…” said someone cautiously. “It may convince people that the White House needs repairs.”

That was true. The White House was in dire need of repairs. Everyone who had lived here knew it. Everyone who worked here knew it. Anyone who had ever looked closely at the building knew it. The trouble was getting funding, Truman thought.

Congress could be remarkably tight-fisted for an institution built on pork. And loath to fork over money to be exclusively used for the executive's benefit. Especially since it just wasn't popular with most people. It sounded like a rich fat-cat President wanting more luxury at taxpayer expense. Except, well, even if you were as rich as a Roosevelt you weren't going to fork over a ton of cash for a House you'd be leaving in four years anyway. And Harry Truman was not as rich as Roosevelt.

This wasn't the first problem either. Presidents had been hearing ghosts for years. Creaking floorboards. Except now the floors were swaying. Chandeliers swung dangerously. The Public Buildings Administration had told Truman to get out. The heads of the American Institute of Architects and the American Society of Civil Engineers had been given time for a thorough inspection. It had taken less than a day for them to hand over a report calling the White House unsafe. Truman didn't know much about Architecture but if there were three things that moved as slowly as, well, a Tortoise, it was the government, societies, and institutes. And they were all telling him to move fast.

And still, Truman didn't dare move out. Not with the election so damn close, he thought. He liked his chances better than most. But he did not like them at all if he got caught fleeing the White House. And after the West Wing and Balcony fights, there was not a lot of room to ask for more.

"Mr. President?" Someone asked, rousing him from his thoughts.

Truman sighed.

"Not a damn word," He said. "Maybe I can tell this as a story after the election but not a damn word until then. If I see photos you better believe I'll stick Hoover on your asses. Now go find someone who can get him out without turning him into soup."

 

[King of the Uzbeks]

5 times Sailor Bill stole the show (and 5 times he didn’t)

From movies to television to viral videos, America’s favorite Tortoise has graced American screens for a very long time. What can we say? He’s a born charmer Sailor Bill is. Of course, many shows and movies, and viral videos have shown Bill, but only when an imposter plays him. Some of them may surprise you to know that wasn’t really Old Bill! We’ll be restricting this list to appearances on entertainment programs, so no news reports or Easter Egg rolls.

Read on to find out more!

Look, we’ll be honest, one of Bill’s first appearances on camera was not great. He appeared in the introduction to those old Duck and Cover PSAs. A little live-action bit featuring a very serious man and Sailor Bill trying to convince you that you can survive a nuclear arc by hiding under a desk (you can’t). It then cut to a cartoon version. Not the most appealing start, but history is history nonetheless.

“Little Sailor Boy” is, of course, an iconic episode of I Love Lucy. It’s still considered to be one of the best sitcom episodes of all time. But anyone nowadays can tell you that isn’t Sailor Bill. It’s not even a Tortoise! It’s a Box Turtle, clearly, and much much smaller. Still a great half hour of television though, we have to admit.

Ed Sullivan’s quest to get Sailor Bill on his show should be familiar to everyone reading this. Rumor has it that there is even a Hollywood feature film in the works about it. His efforts finally paid off in 1963. Sailor Bill is admittedly, not the greatest conversationalist, but he seems to have enjoyed the lettuce Sullivan gave him.

It should come as no surprise that a movie as biting as Doctor Strangelove would have trouble getting actual access to Sailor Bill. So the tortoise wandering around the war room is clearly not Sailor Bill. At least it’s an actual tortoise this time, although the wrong species. Still, Kubrick makes good work of the Soviet Ambassador’s confusion at his presence.

Sailor Bill never actually visited Korea during the Korean War, and has never been that close to actual combat. But by the final season of M*A*S*H the show was so big it didn’t even matter, and the episode “Morale Visit” reflects how even the Government wasn’t immune. The Episode’s highlight is obviously Hawkeye’s, “I should have been a vet” speech, a heartbreaking reflection to Bill about War.

If there’s one movie that represents the 80s, Cold War Machismo, and explosions it’s ‘Red Persuit.’ Full of testosterone and flag waving the movie follows a team of soldiers chasing after a bunch of no good commies doing no good things, including capturing Sailor Bill. How they got into the White House is never explained. This is the first appearance of ‘Clara’ a Los Angeles Zoo Tortoise who has often doubled for Sailor Bill.

Fans of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise no doubt know the role of Sailor Bill in the franchise, a wise sage protecting the President from evils. Sailor Bill is obviously animated and never speaks. But those grunts you hear on occasion? Those are actually public domain sounds from the real Sailor Bill. Pretty cool right?

The X-Files was one of the dominant forces on television during the 90s. And starring two FBI officials in DC it seems only natural that Sailor Bill would make an appearance. That said, Mulder and Scully are rarely interested in Presidential politics. However, Sailor Bill did pop up on occasion. He’s mentioned as ‘the one really in charge of the White House” in Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man, and finally makes a cameo appearance in Season 6 as a Syndicate Member, again played by Clara.

Sailor Bill is no stranger to appearances in patriotic moments. However his appearance at the opening ceremony of the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics was a closely held secret, but one that delighted the nation when they saw it. Foreign dignitaries were bemused, but Americans everywhere appreciated his willingness to tolerate the chill for a few minutes to kick off the historic games.

In 2010, viral videos were still something of a new phenomenon. The internet had not yet come to people’s phones, but YouTube had gotten big. Big enough that millions watched the “Sailor Bill Surfer” video. Obviously, Sailor Bill was edited onto the surfboard and waves. But it still marked a new era for Bill, as the Internet’s favorite tortoise.

Did we miss anything? Be sure to let us know in the comments!

 

[Aisha Clan-Clan]

>tmnt
based

somehow i think tmnt would be an even bigger franchise in ttl

 

[Baron Steakpuncher]

I love everything to do with this idea.

 

[L'amateur d'aéroplanes]

Excellent for the moral 👍

 

[King of the Uzbeks]

PROPERTY OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

Name: Sailor Bill (Secret Service Code Name: Finch)

DOB: Unknown

Place of Birth: Isabella Island, Galápagos Islands, Ecuador

Address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C

Localities Frequented: White House, National Zoo

Family Background: Parents Unknown, Hundreds of Children

Criminal History: None

Criminal Associates: See Appendix A for a Full List

Synopsis: File was opened in 1962, following the subject biting Caroline Kennedy. As per Secret Service Procedure any individual who harms or attempts to harm a member of the United States Government or their family should have a file on record. Initial Incident file was resolved in 1962. President Kennedy requested the incident not be logged. Request ignored, as per Secret Service Procedure all harm or attempted harm to the Presidential Family must be logged.

File has been maintained since in the interests of avoiding any similar incidents and to aid in the protection of Sailor Bill. Other incidents include the Easter Balloon Incident and the 1973 Fall.

Threat Level: Low

Threat Evaluation: When startled Sailor Bill may attempt to bite in self-defense. Such biting is slow and generally ineffective. All recorded bites have been to those either incapacitated or unaware that Sailor Bill is capable of biting.

Sailor Bill also has the potential to be a major blockage in an emergency situation, impeding the movement of Secret Service and other personnel. In the event of an emergency situation staff have been instructed to move Sailor Bill out of the hallways as quickly as possible.

Threat Containment: Visitors to the White House are given a short briefing, instructing them not to rush from behind Sailor Bill, not to attempt to ride him, and not to make any sudden movements towards his head or neck. When adolescent children reside in the White House they are given more extensive instructions about how to interact with Sailor Bill. Children are not allowed to ride Sailor Bill, no matter how much members of the press ask. General medical aid is sufficient to respond to any bite.

Secret Service maintains awareness of Sailor Bill’s location at all times. Select staff members and locations have appropriate food to lure Sailor Bill in certain directions. Sailor Bill has also been trained to move towards a target, enabling further direction.

Protection Level: High

Protection Evaluation: Sailor Bill is a national symbol. His protection is vital for national morale. Although harm would have little material impact, the symbolic damage would be considerable. As such Sailor Bill is given priority over all members of the Government save those on the National Security Council, in the Presidential Line of Succession, component commanders of the Armed Forces, Congressional Leadership, Chairs and Ranking Members of Congressional Security Committees, and Justices of the Supreme Court.

Sailor Bill is a Galapagos Tortoise. His average speed is around .2 miles per hour. It is possible for him to move faster, but he does not realize when such movement would be needed. If inverted, Sailor Bill is unable to get back up. Sailor Bill lacks the opposable thumbs required to operate many doors. Sailor Bill’s shell is hardy but is in no way capable of resisting any form of modern munitions. Sailor Bill’s anatomy is substantially different than a human’s.

Sailor Bill does not possess human-level intelligence. He lacks awareness of potential threats as such, and is incapable of communicating with Secret Service or Medical Staff. Sailor Bill cannot be trained in emergency procedures.

Protection Strategy: Secret Service maintains awareness of Sailor Bill’s location at all times. Select locations and staff in the White House have food stored, which is the most reliable way to get Sailor Bill to move anywhere, along with the target training. The Presidential Emergency Operations Center and other secure locations have supplies necessary for caring for Sailor Bill. A forklift capable of carrying Sailor Bill is stored at the White House, although it is not suited for rapid deployment.

Sailor Bill’s residence is bulletproof and has alarms in case of unwelcome entry.

Last Ammended: 3/4/2017

 

[Baron Steakpuncher]

Sailor Bill having a bullet proof house is nice. Knowing people at least one person has tried to hurt him for "fame".

 

[Clorox23]

Okay, for some reason, I thought this post was gonna be about Sailor Bill somehow being involved in the Kennedy Assassination.

 

[Rinasoir]

Okay, for some reason, I thought this post was gonna be about Sailor Bill somehow being involved in the Kennedy Assassination.

I'm picturing an SNL running gag years later in TTL that's all about how of course it was Sailor Bill, he disguised himself as a rock on the Grassy Knoll

 

[catatonia]

View attachment 831092

PROPERTY OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

Name: Sailor Bill (Secret Service Code Name: Finch)

DOB: Unknown

Place of Birth: Isabella Island, Galápagos Islands, Ecuador

Address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C

Localities Frequented: White House, National Zoo

Family Background: Parents Unknown, Hundreds of Children

Criminal History: None

Criminal Associates: See Appendix A for a Full List

Synopsis: File was opened in 1962, following the subject biting Caroline Kennedy. As per Secret Service Procedure any individual who harms or attempts to harm a member of the United States Government or their family should have a file on record. Initial Incident file was resolved in 1962. President Kennedy requested the incident not be logged. Request ignored, as per Secret Service Procedure all harm or attempted harm to the Presidential Family must be logged.

File has been maintained since in the interests of avoiding any similar incidents and to aid in the protection of Sailor Bill. Other incidents include the Easter Balloon Incident and the 1973 Fall.

Threat Level: Low

Threat Evaluation: When startled Sailor Bill may attempt to bite in self-defense. Such biting is slow and generally ineffective. All recorded bites have been to those either incapacitated or unaware that Sailor Bill is capable of biting.

Sailor Bill also has the potential to be a major blockage in an emergency situation, impeding the movement of Secret Service and other personnel. In the event of an emergency situation staff have been instructed to move Sailor Bill out of the hallways as quickly as possible.

Threat Containment: Visitors to the White House are given a short briefing, instructing them not to rush from behind Sailor Bill, not to attempt to ride him, and not to make any sudden movements towards his head or neck. When adolescent children reside in the White House they are given more extensive instructions about how to interact with Sailor Bill. Children are not allowed to ride Sailor Bill, no matter how much members of the press ask. General medical aid is sufficient to respond to any bite.

Secret Service maintains awareness of Sailor Bill’s location at all times. Select staff members and locations have appropriate food to lure Sailor Bill in certain directions. Sailor Bill has also been trained to move towards a target, enabling further direction.

Protection Level: High

Protection Evaluation: Sailor Bill is a national symbol. His protection is vital for national morale. Although harm would have little material impact, the symbolic damage would be considerable. As such Sailor Bill is given priority over all members of the Government save those on the National Security Council, in the Presidential Line of Succession, component commanders of the Armed Forces, Congressional Leadership, Chairs and Ranking Members of Congressional Security Committees, and Justices of the Supreme Court.

Sailor Bill is a Galapagos Tortoise. His average speed is around .2 miles per hour. It is possible for him to move faster, but he does not realize when such movement would be needed. If inverted, Sailor Bill is unable to get back up. Sailor Bill lacks the opposable thumbs required to operate many doors. Sailor Bill’s shell is hardy but is in no way capable of resisting any form of modern munitions. Sailor Bill’s anatomy is substantially different than a human’s.

Sailor Bill does not possess human-level intelligence. He lacks awareness of potential threats as such, and is incapable of communicating with Secret Service or Medical Staff. Sailor Bill cannot be trained in emergency procedures.

Protection Strategy: Secret Service maintains awareness of Sailor Bill’s location at all times. Select locations and staff in the White House have food stored, which is the most reliable way to get Sailor Bill to move anywhere, along with the target training. The Presidential Emergency Operations Center and other secure locations have supplies necessary for caring for Sailor Bill. A forklift capable of carrying Sailor Bill is stored at the White House, although it is not suited for rapid deployment.

Sailor Bill’s residence is bulletproof and has alarms in case of unwelcome entry.

Last Ammended: 3/4/2017

This just gets better and more charming. Taking a semi-standard AH device, The Briefing (and, naturally, in a different font), and turning it on its head: a “threat Assessment“ about something about as benign as can be, but NatSec bureaucracy gotta NatSec bureaucratize.

A forklift for “rapid deployment” of the subject! Sailor Bill should be the first Turtledove (and right there, a great pun) “best character” award winner without a single line of dialogue!

 

[Puzzle]

Sailor Bill does not possess human-level intelligence.

I assume that's a fairly common line in these reports.